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2006/8/7 My Personality and Childhood Just viewed my high school classmates' blogs.
What I read was just one word:dream.I saw the same confusion and sorta loss in them when we are in the same process to the peak in our hearts.Three years ago or so,an elder friend of mine told me,"Hold your dreams."at the time before I was gonna enter the university or what is called the " Small Society" when I felt fears that people would change after that..."What if people are contaminated in their mind in the dark complex society?"I asked.He told me the core of a person's spirit wouldn't be changed."Hold your dreams,Robin." I have been taking this in my mind for years.
I dunno whether I still is "holding" my dreams now.When others asked me "What's your dream then?"(Although there are very very few people who are interested in asking this question.)I had ever felt confused and couldnt find any exact words to describe them.Or I'd rather put this this way.My dreams are not about what kinda job I hope to have but what kinda life style and life I wanna sustain and lead.I was always imagining my future life when I was young,quite a lot.I could sit by the window for a whole morning looking outside the window and did some associated thinking of me on a morning of 10 years or 20 years later,riding back on the same road...I could also spent a whole afternoon drawing comics of various stories of heros,justice,romance,battles,family etc in my imagination land.I'm feeling a lil bit surprised that how a kid could have that many imaginaries in her mind and she has drawn piles of paper of the characters and stories.
I guess that was the starting of my romantic and sentimental personality's foming.
My whole childhood was devoted to drawing.I drew everyday for different art contests which came one after another to me.I was kept indoor working for the loads of contests.I rarely went outside to play games with other kids.Probably that was why now I still feel what the majority people talk about is boring like some fashin trend,movie starts,shopping etc.You can say I'm boring but that was just the life I used to have.Drawing,imagining,drawing,imagining...it's just a cycle that I dreamed everyday,and meditated wildly unrealisticly then put them into pictures with my pens and brushes into colors.I didnt feel I was bored or eager to go outdoor to have the children's fun at that time.Instead I quite enjoyed myself with my inner world,although I was only 6 or 7 years old.I had been drawing till I graduated from middle school.That was a year when I had to come to some consideration about my future,a future in a practical world.I chose leave my dream land to the reality eventually---abandaning the chance to go to arts school.I don't regret about my choice.I needed a better atmosphre for my growing to strengthen myself into a knowledged person but not the impetuous atmosphere in art school talking to ignorant boys and girls everyday.I knew there are more things needed me to get to know of this world other than my dream.
In my earliy years as a student,I was very harsh and full of justice and rancor to the unfairness and vile creatures.I didn't fear any authority and dared to speak out what I really thought.I am still like this now when I've come to the age of 21.This is quite hard in China.Chinese people have been effected by the Confucuanism since thousands of years ago which formed a character of courtesy and modesty which can also build a coward in some sense.This weakness is shown sometimes in being restricted by the traditions and some rediculous regulations&rules from some bullshit ideas of the government. Chinese people have been for a stable life without waves and storms.This is related to our home's geo location.We have a large territory which is rich in resources.Our ancestors led their lives along our two mother rivers--Yellow River and Yangtzi River.They neednt worry about anything about living but only farmed in their own land year by year...This is different from the pirate culture of the western countries.Islands of small area lacking farmlands made the westerns have to choose invasion.You can also say they earned a good quality of ambition to take adventures.From the influences of the history I think western people own more in persuing ego and freedom than my compatriots.Well,I might have been a lil farther from what I was talking about...The character differences of Chinese and westerns is a HUGE subject.I'd better stop or I'm gonna be seen as an incorrigible person heh.
Anyway,I was a harsh person who always held extreme views on some points.I was also impulsive to reflect something which made many people say "You are too silly." cos I was always the child telling that the king didn't wear anything actually.In middle school,one of my compositions fired my Chinese teacher and my headteacher which was called "a critical article of reactionary".I dunno how to translate the Chinese words into English more properly here.Anyways,it was just a composotion exposoing some unfair phenomenons and some dark corners of the society.All that was just about truth.What's more,I think it's normal and natural for one to tell his or her opinion about this country as a citizen.That's the basic right.Well,in other hand,people also have troubles to speak out in life,in communicating with other people sincerely.I'm talking about the interpersonal relationship.I think in this field on how to be a poplular person who can speak nicely,I could never succeed.I'm still a stubborn and odd donkey now hehe.
I'm an sentimental Pisces girl in my friends' eyes.Sometimes they just felt puzzled that I look quite lively and happy and can always bring them laughter with my humors and who could expect that I turn out a girl full of emotion and depressions.I also have thought about that for long:why.I was born blue I think.I dunno clearly which part of my growing enviroment got me into that.But one possibility is my air of an artist.This conclution came up to mind last semester.From dreaming each night to drawing at home,from reasing artists' stories to tragedy novels,from listening to radio alone at home to share my own meditating world when my parents were seldom home with me...I learned to be gloomy gradually...maybe that's just kinda enjoyment in a meditating world of my own where there were no other real roles except me... I like my personality though in others' views I live too tiredly and unhappily.They don't understand the true feeling when you choose to be the real personal self you want to be,to choose the path you want to start a journey on,to choose the way you want to see and love this world...Maybe that's why a lot of people feel shocked about some of my choices at the same time holding admiration and respection on me.They can't believe my spiritual world could be so prosperious,stronger than my reliance on the physical world.I suppose only when a person is aware of the vital significant of the spiritual world,they could succeed feel less painful for their loss from the physical or material world.But I,also haven't achieved muc enough to be able to get away from the pains in the physical world.I think no one can escape from that.We are human-beings...Those common and natural choices of mine seem unbelievable to them cause they lack kinda courages to question who they are and be themselves.
I hope I could bring those people courages and faith and hopes with my own achievement.Though I have tried to enlighten some young students with my speeches,I guess the most convincing thing is that I reach my goal of life.Or they probably will never believe some rediculous talks from some crazy people anymore.I'm still on the road to my dream---a life of freedom of mind and love for my loves.And for those friends or passers-by who care me and support me and hold "sympathy"for me,I wanna say,fortunately I have met a guy who loves me and is willing to lead a kinda happy life which we both look forwards to in the rest of life.And he has decided to stop by my side to walk on with me...:)
I feel grateful to be myself...Thank you.
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