Robin 的个人资料Robin Giggs照片日志列表更多  |  工具 帮助 |
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2008/7/26 Another days Hearing the blah blah blah from the auditing teacher, My heart felt hurt... To save my spirit, ... I'd like to post some old photos here I took weeks ago on a fashion show.Also because I don't think VC would check my blogger blog(http://swagmangoing.blogspot.com/).It's hard to move to another blog coz your friends always click the old link.It would be easier if they use RSS to feed my sites.It seems that not many of my friends have a habit to use RSS.I'm using Google Reader(And of course you need a google account first)now to read the subscribed websites I'm interested in.It's convenient and makes sure that I can get the update at the first moment.It's like you can stick anything you like on a newspaper page and the page came to your door every morning.Friends can share pages with each other as well.
2008/7/20 DaysHaibin,Hui,Fu,Shuang and Hao came to my home yesterday.Mother cooked the dinner for us.Al seemed happy to see my clubmates coming,especially get to speak English with someone except me and be able to have beers.They are like sisters and brothers to me. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I will go to the training program tomorrow,after three weeks' laziness from it.Haven't studied CPA yet.I nearly forgot I will have that discusting exam in September.I've been viewing nice photography websites,reading those thoughtful words and searching the philosophy in photography.Thinking of that I won't afford the time to photograph after starting work,frustration came to my mind.Maybe that's because I don't have confidence in the future days in pwc.I always think I will feel desprate to offer what can be contributive and what I can give might be useless to the organization. Maybe the future would be depression. 2008/6/23 FarewellMy fourth summer with my clubmates...
Our last photography show...
2007/12/18 The Hours To look life in the face,always to look life in the face.And to know it for what it is,at last to know it.To love it for what it is and then to put it away. Always the years between us,always the years,always the love,always the hours. --Virginia Woolf 2007/10/4 The lost dream landEverything becomes so empty.My life is starting to turn barren and inane.I’m feeling life is lacking its spices little by little.Frustration and depression are continuing their despotic control since my returning from Beijing.I feel I’m becoming hardly interested in anything-had not much heart to pick up the charcoals to wreak,lost the patience to watch a movie,couldn’t finish a book I want to read,hardly concentrate on preparing for applying for jobs… I feel fickle to enjoy the life. I remember when I was young,how joyful it was to lie on the bed,close my eyes with the radio in a simple afternoon.The sunshine could reach inside of the room which was warm…The peace existed in my reading of a novel quietly along the whole afternoon.The peace existed in some of my doodles,exsisted in my writing those fantastic and unrealistic stories in my diary,existed in my imagination from the clouds outside the window.I could feel satisfied in such an afternoon…The young me pictured a harmonious ideal land as a goal of my life. Passion is lost right now.It hides somewhere,whirls away a feeling called enthusiasm in my heart.And I’m living without it these days in some dumb climate of the mind.This is excruciating,for me. Is it because I’m closer to the loaves and fishes,farther from my peaceful little dream?Am I more and more attracted to the material world’s Vanity Fair?Life is losing more and more color to me.I begin to reconsider the meaning of life.Someone has been experiencing sufferings all life and living feelinglessly.Why there is torments and misery.I commiserate over my mother’s life.All her life is to take care of her daughter and the family.She worked extremely hard to help father run the restaurant and have been bearing the poverty and unhappy marriage.Until now,she becomes single.When I realised this poor lonely woman is my mother who is living on 500yuan earned per month.It seemed like any beautiful thing in life becomes brutal to me.My eyes became blurry.I can’t see the dream land clearly.My passion is fading away in me.I refused to live like others while some unknown evil is hitting me.I don’t know what’s that. It feels like my spirit is closed down.It’s getting empty. While I’m getting heavier,falling down and down…with the powerless body,down and down. 2006/12/4 WhyMother sent me messages the other days,sayign that she felt loss in her life.I could feel her loneliness and sadness. Father called just now asking me whether I've called grandma or not and I could he felt upset I havent phoned him.When I talked about mom,that was the end of the conversation.Tears came out again...(When I typed these;;;again.The tears are salty) Now I know why I got up so late but I still feel sleepy.Because I dream all night.These days,I was always awaken from the dreams where mom got sad and left home,or father's cold face...I was sad and afflictive,felt feared.Or I dreamed of the situation in high school---the loneliness.I should feel happy for being in love with Al,why there's still sorrow and fear in my mind. Till today,I still can't help crying when thinking of them. 2006/9/13 Al told meAll be happy, all be without disease, all creatures have well being, and none be in misery of any sort That is perfect, This is perfect. Perfect comes from perfect. Take perfect from perfect, the remainder is perfect. Then hope for a hundred years of life doing your duty. No other way can prevent deeds from clinging, proud as you are of your human life. 2006/9/10 boring morningGot up late in the morning when the sunshine had punched into the room much.Lying in the bed is a cozy thing in such a nice Sunday morning under the cover thinking of my life,my love,my dream...Telling myself this is a new life.. I like the new dorm room quite much,a 4 persons room with a washroom and a toilet inside.And I have a wider desk and shelf to lay my books.I can see the path of our residental community from the window.There are many lovers walking under our window every night and hugging,kissing.:)This semester we havent that many classes but the two major courses are hard enough for me to concentrate more time in them.Anyway,everything feels new.I came back to school after a whole summer's study in interpreting,and with a romantic feeling of being loved,with a new plan for interpreting,and with a reborn spirit.I think half of this fresh feelings are gain from love.He makes me happy which seemed having kept away from me for so long.Received messages from Ma Qi the other days.He encouraged me to work hard and said he was very convinced that I would gain achievement by my ability.I know I'm not confident.Just have never seen an very standout one in myself.This morning ,Mr Tang texted me minding me to study harder in English if I want a promising career future.He believes his judgement.I am always motivated by his messages coz he's a teacher who has much in common with me.So I respect him,and like to get suggestions from him.He gave me a big original edition dictionary by McGRAW-Hill press company.I know he always thinks alot of my ability in English.(as an English learner of course) I remember clearly how some of my friends concern about me.I know they have seen too much me sinking in gloom.They worry about the sad eyes.More of the time,I chose to keep silent and give a reluctant smile to show that I was listening... Dunno what to say...gonna get down to something for the make-up exam of Introduction to Mao Thoughts. 2006/8/7 My Personality and Childhood Just viewed my high school classmates' blogs.
What I read was just one word:dream.I saw the same confusion and sorta loss in them when we are in the same process to the peak in our hearts.Three years ago or so,an elder friend of mine told me,"Hold your dreams."at the time before I was gonna enter the university or what is called the " Small Society" when I felt fears that people would change after that..."What if people are contaminated in their mind in the dark complex society?"I asked.He told me the core of a person's spirit wouldn't be changed."Hold your dreams,Robin." I have been taking this in my mind for years.
I dunno whether I still is "holding" my dreams now.When others asked me "What's your dream then?"(Although there are very very few people who are interested in asking this question.)I had ever felt confused and couldnt find any exact words to describe them.Or I'd rather put this this way.My dreams are not about what kinda job I hope to have but what kinda life style and life I wanna sustain and lead.I was always imagining my future life when I was young,quite a lot.I could sit by the window for a whole morning looking outside the window and did some associated thinking of me on a morning of 10 years or 20 years later,riding back on the same road...I could also spent a whole afternoon drawing comics of various stories of heros,justice,romance,battles,family etc in my imagination land.I'm feeling a lil bit surprised that how a kid could have that many imaginaries in her mind and she has drawn piles of paper of the characters and stories.
I guess that was the starting of my romantic and sentimental personality's foming.
My whole childhood was devoted to drawing.I drew everyday for different art contests which came one after another to me.I was kept indoor working for the loads of contests.I rarely went outside to play games with other kids.Probably that was why now I still feel what the majority people talk about is boring like some fashin trend,movie starts,shopping etc.You can say I'm boring but that was just the life I used to have.Drawing,imagining,drawing,imagining...it's just a cycle that I dreamed everyday,and meditated wildly unrealisticly then put them into pictures with my pens and brushes into colors.I didnt feel I was bored or eager to go outdoor to have the children's fun at that time.Instead I quite enjoyed myself with my inner world,although I was only 6 or 7 years old.I had been drawing till I graduated from middle school.That was a year when I had to come to some consideration about my future,a future in a practical world.I chose leave my dream land to the reality eventually---abandaning the chance to go to arts school.I don't regret about my choice.I needed a better atmosphre for my growing to strengthen myself into a knowledged person but not the impetuous atmosphere in art school talking to ignorant boys and girls everyday.I knew there are more things needed me to get to know of this world other than my dream.
In my earliy years as a student,I was very harsh and full of justice and rancor to the unfairness and vile creatures.I didn't fear any authority and dared to speak out what I really thought.I am still like this now when I've come to the age of 21.This is quite hard in China.Chinese people have been effected by the Confucuanism since thousands of years ago which formed a character of courtesy and modesty which can also build a coward in some sense.This weakness is shown sometimes in being restricted by the traditions and some rediculous regulations&rules from some bullshit ideas of the government. Chinese people have been for a stable life without waves and storms.This is related to our home's geo location.We have a large territory which is rich in resources.Our ancestors led their lives along our two mother rivers--Yellow River and Yangtzi River.They neednt worry about anything about living but only farmed in their own land year by year...This is different from the pirate culture of the western countries.Islands of small area lacking farmlands made the westerns have to choose invasion.You can also say they earned a good quality of ambition to take adventures.From the influences of the history I think western people own more in persuing ego and freedom than my compatriots.Well,I might have been a lil farther from what I was talking about...The character differences of Chinese and westerns is a HUGE subject.I'd better stop or I'm gonna be seen as an incorrigible person heh.
Anyway,I was a harsh person who always held extreme views on some points.I was also impulsive to reflect something which made many people say "You are too silly." cos I was always the child telling that the king didn't wear anything actually.In middle school,one of my compositions fired my Chinese teacher and my headteacher which was called "a critical article of reactionary".I dunno how to translate the Chinese words into English more properly here.Anyways,it was just a composotion exposoing some unfair phenomenons and some dark corners of the society.All that was just about truth.What's more,I think it's normal and natural for one to tell his or her opinion about this country as a citizen.That's the basic right.Well,in other hand,people also have troubles to speak out in life,in communicating with other people sincerely.I'm talking about the interpersonal relationship.I think in this field on how to be a poplular person who can speak nicely,I could never succeed.I'm still a stubborn and odd donkey now hehe.
I'm an sentimental Pisces girl in my friends' eyes.Sometimes they just felt puzzled that I look quite lively and happy and can always bring them laughter with my humors and who could expect that I turn out a girl full of emotion and depressions.I also have thought about that for long:why.I was born blue I think.I dunno clearly which part of my growing enviroment got me into that.But one possibility is my air of an artist.This conclution came up to mind last semester.From dreaming each night to drawing at home,from reasing artists' stories to tragedy novels,from listening to radio alone at home to share my own meditating world when my parents were seldom home with me...I learned to be gloomy gradually...maybe that's just kinda enjoyment in a meditating world of my own where there were no other real roles except me... I like my personality though in others' views I live too tiredly and unhappily.They don't understand the true feeling when you choose to be the real personal self you want to be,to choose the path you want to start a journey on,to choose the way you want to see and love this world...Maybe that's why a lot of people feel shocked about some of my choices at the same time holding admiration and respection on me.They can't believe my spiritual world could be so prosperious,stronger than my reliance on the physical world.I suppose only when a person is aware of the vital significant of the spiritual world,they could succeed feel less painful for their loss from the physical or material world.But I,also haven't achieved muc enough to be able to get away from the pains in the physical world.I think no one can escape from that.We are human-beings...Those common and natural choices of mine seem unbelievable to them cause they lack kinda courages to question who they are and be themselves.
I hope I could bring those people courages and faith and hopes with my own achievement.Though I have tried to enlighten some young students with my speeches,I guess the most convincing thing is that I reach my goal of life.Or they probably will never believe some rediculous talks from some crazy people anymore.I'm still on the road to my dream---a life of freedom of mind and love for my loves.And for those friends or passers-by who care me and support me and hold "sympathy"for me,I wanna say,fortunately I have met a guy who loves me and is willing to lead a kinda happy life which we both look forwards to in the rest of life.And he has decided to stop by my side to walk on with me...:)
I feel grateful to be myself...Thank you.
2006/8/4 :DI'm happy.
I'm soooo happy.:)
I can't believe this.Chengjun,can you?
We should remember today---August,4th,2006.An important day for us and the decision made us laugh for a while hehe,(and made me faint for a while).This is so beautiful.How many moments can we experience like this in our life?:)I came to the netbar during your sleeping to upgrade my blogs cos I know no way can I post entries when your there hehe.:P
I dunno what to write here except those Chinese poetries on my livejournal.I have been grinning for hours since you hung up the phone this morning.
Still am I.
I love you,Pooh Bear.xoxoxxx 2006/7/25 Feelings in Beijing in summer,2006 Im in a netbar in Beijing now.Time flies fast.Since I came to Beijing,it's been over 2 weeks.Interpretation is really difficult to learn.And being a interpretation needs at least over one year time of daily crazy pervert working hard.While time waits for no man.I have to try to pass the CATTI 3 in November though the level 3 is "easy" in Ms Li's words.She's really fabulous.She was born in 1980 while has got MA of interpretation&translation and has got a lot of work experiences.Now she works for the Commercial Administration.
The place I live in is not far from the school,less than 20 minutes on foot.I live with other 7 girls in the flat of University of Mineral Skills.I have classes from 8:30Am to 5:30Pm so learning covers most of my time.It must be!Think about that,5,800 yuan...more than my uni tuition and accom or a whole year.
This is my frist time to come to Beijing(come outta the platform).It's just like what I imagined before,noisy,crowded,unease...I dont like big cities.The only point that attracts me is her cultural and historic atmosphere.I went to wander last Friday,felt quite good when seeking the road alone with the camera though I got burnt by the sun.
Every evening I talk with PB on the phone for about less than 2 hours.That's romantic time hehe and his irrational time.:P I dont know whether I could deserve the happiness,whether I could get to the final luckily.Im just feeling spoiled to feel loved and love as a lonely bird...There has been struggling,hesitating,doubts,fears,confusion etc.,while now Im convinced and having courages to make this breakthrough and being ready to face a different future life from what Robin wanted...This is not betraying,this is not unfaith but what has really touched my heart which makes me decide to abadan an alone,solitary,depressful life...
Maybe I have never wanted to lead a isolated life...
2006/6/30 The 3 wordsgee...I'm locked outside my dorm.
This afternoon our room's electricity was cut off again.And I went to Fang's room just now,and when I came back,I found the door was locked and no one answered my knocks.So now,I was in a T-shirt and a short pants,and wearing slippers without any cent in my pocket,without any book I use to prepare for tomorrow's lessons,oh,and also without bras.:( I stood outside the door stupidly,didn't know what I was waiting for.I texted Qian to ask where she was,hoping she could return soon while she just went out to the teaching building.Gee~~~~
Okay,I'm a lucky dog which was found by my classmate and she asked me to come to her dorm to stay for a while to spend the boring time without room,without electricity.I'm a lucky begger dog.
So there we go,I am posting this entry on my classmate's DELL laptop.and i also found that my glassed were left inside the dorm.
So this is the Friday afternoon and evening.I played the movie Bridge Jones' Diary this morning for my roommates.I decided to try to see more british movies to practise my listening skills in British English.:P It sounds tough and,and dry.Why dry?I dunno why I used this word,dry...not wet?What do you mean Robin?ok,bullshit again.
So the 3 words,which is the title of this entry(i should talk more about that),is-------------------
********
i dunno why i dare not say it in English or just speak out.Typing doesn't count.He said it last night which broke our "agreement".We've sworn that we wouldn't say that until we were sure about it.I just think the 3 words weigh too much,once it's said you have to take the responsibility to really do it entirely by heart.The thing is I didn't think many man could make it after they tell their girls.Or...was I too fussy?it's just about telling your feeling of love to someone.Why do you have to put too many meanings serious meanings to the words?-------hmmn-----but another thing is,,,I have to.....Well,if I do,if I'm still unsure why have I said it many times to the guy in heart and wanted him to know that?Maybe I hope I could say it to only one person my life therefore I could say it at the "final".But I do, just not expressing it in words.does it make sense?Yeh,i think i should put it this way:I want to say it to only one person this life.
:) But I enjoyed the time when he said it.
ok,last 3 words:
I'm locked outside! 2006/6/22 Smile,long time no see!I never thought this greatest happiness could come to me,a born-blue girl who has been unhappy for such many years who never believed the fairy tales' happening I didn't know how I got through the toughest time when it was that deadly dark,scary,cold and extremely lonely I dare not recall the past suffers those agony moment those bleeding scars I can't believe that! how dramatic!how,how...shut up!  Smile,long time no see!How I could deserve this stunning happiness How an unruly mind could be calmed I see the bank... (can't help smiling) 2006/6/19 In finals Listening to the Behind Blue Eyes again and again... This is the last week for revision before the finals,just finished the CET-6 on Saturday.It was a little easy as a paper for Band 6...and I went to teach for Crazy English last weekend,will do for three weekends before I leave to Beijing on July,6th.Life seems having been back to a normal track...what is normal then? Now that I've decided to change my field to interpretation from accounting,I have to pay more to get the CATTI-3...the tuition for a whole summer's class is bloody high...There will be no way back if I step on it.I'm feeling a little stressful and tense.Something unexpectable happened last week which drove me into confusion.That was kinda challenging my stand about my ever dreaming life style and ideal... Hope it can be going well... 2006/6/14 ByeAnother June Another parting I wanna say I don't want you all to leave But this is just the season when the fragrance of flowers gone I could still recall the first time saw you in room406 It's our club that makes me fall in love with photography I took up the camera for mainly being a member of this family Seeing you leave year by year and new members come in this room year by year I know this is a circle Today I'm here waving you g'bye Tomorrow I'll be seen off here in the same season 2006/6/12 To somebody I'd appreciate to those people who care me and support me all along though you are not with me.I wanna say there'll never be an end for expressing my greatness to have friends like you and see your nice smiles.I will never forget how you accompanied with me and comforted me when I was in the toughes time crying and complaining.You are special to me and this value cannot be taken place by other relationships. Lovely "Dui bu qi"...Merci chuck. Miao |
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