Everything becomes so empty.My life is starting to turn barren and inane.I’m feeling life is lacking its spices little by little.Frustration and depression are continuing their despotic control since my returning from Beijing.I feel I’m becoming hardly interested in anything-had not much heart to pick up the charcoals to wreak,lost the patience to watch a movie,couldn’t finish a book I want to read,hardly concentrate on preparing for applying for jobs… I feel fickle to enjoy the life.

      I remember when I was young,how joyful it was to lie on the bed,close my eyes with the radio in a simple afternoon.The sunshine could reach inside of the room which was warm…The peace existed in my reading of a novel quietly along the whole afternoon.The peace existed in some of my doodles,exsisted in my writing those fantastic and unrealistic stories in my diary,existed in my imagination from the clouds outside the window.I could feel satisfied in such an afternoon…The young me pictured a harmonious ideal land as a goal of my life.

      Passion is lost right now.It hides somewhere,whirls away a feeling called enthusiasm in my heart.And I’m living without it these days in some dumb climate of the mind.This is excruciating,for me.

      Is it because I’m closer to the loaves and fishes,farther from my peaceful little dream?Am I more and more attracted to the material world’s Vanity Fair?Life is losing more and more color to me.I begin to reconsider the meaning of life.Someone has been experiencing sufferings all life and living feelinglessly.Why there is torments and misery.I commiserate over my mother’s life.All her life is to take care of her daughter and the family.She worked extremely hard to help father run the restaurant and have been bearing the poverty and unhappy marriage.Until now,she becomes single.When I realised this poor lonely woman is my mother who is living on 500yuan earned per month.It seemed like any beautiful thing in life becomes brutal to me.My eyes became blurry.I can’t see the dream land clearly.My passion is fading away in me.I refused to live like others while some unknown evil is hitting me.I don’t know what’s that.

     It feels like my spirit is closed down.It’s getting empty. While I’m getting heavier,falling down and down…with the powerless body,down and down.